


Lavenders and doom

by thesmolbean16



Category: Doddleoddle - Fandom, dodie clarke, youtube - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Gay, Lesbien, Sucide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 21:41:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11113419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesmolbean16/pseuds/thesmolbean16
Summary: Love is a mysterious thing how can we fall in love? When we lose it so easily?





	Lavenders and doom

**Author's Note:**

> This is an original story for the Dodie cannon competition but I hope you like it even if it's original :)

 

Do you remember? The first time I saw you, your figure facing the wind a mask of messy mascara scattered around your own freckles. Your tumbling blonde hair stuffed into a white cap with rainbows painted across, that for a moment I thought you were a boy. But then you turned. Your eyes were layered with every speck of green I’ve ever seen, all caught in your eyes. Almost as if everything about you was made to be natural, they were the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. For a second you were a pixie with your wings tucked into your sharp shoulder blades hiding their magic away and I was your admirer from a distance.

 

You saw through me at first like I was but an apparition next to you and I suppose I was, pale and small with short chopped brown hair and round glasses that hid my face. Always hiding, away from you,from the world. You were tall and beautiful and if I had a dream girl it would be you. Yet we didn’t speak till later on when you were cheerleading, pompoms in the air a sticky pink smile plastered to your face and I was sitting there, a ukulele in my lap, cross legged on the floor, strumming la vive en rose. I started singing in French, the words just like I practiced and you sat in front of me having strode away from your practice and watched me play, your eyes huge with a wondrous gaze “ Did I ever tell you that it was the moment I sat down that I knew id fall in love with you, you looked at music with this soft rose-tinted gaze and I wanted you to look at me like that” you told me once and it made me sad, I'd looked at you like that since we met. You just never saw. Or maybe you did, but this rose tinted gaze was left with prickling thorns.

 

Do you remember when we first held hands, in that crowded corridor both of us in Warm yellow skirts and white jumpers, our cheerleader uniform a barrier against the judgmental gazes of the school crowds. I loved the feeling of the pressure of your fingers, bitten nails and beaded bracelets that left red marks on my arm you gripped my hand so tight that day, we never loosely held hands always gripping each other in case one of us flew away. We were intertwined and I loved it. Those uniforms protected us, they said “We have a team, we are safe” Maybe we weren’t as safe as I thought we were.

 

And then those butterflies that were in my stomach every time I saw you flew away and instead were replaced by a warm sun that got brighter and we’d lie on your floor, music sheets and sketch pads strewn on the floor. We lay with our legs on top of each other and our heads next to each other muttering about secrets and hopes and dreams and the future we saw together with our own campervan and adopted children running round. We were each other’s future or so I thought. You once tried to paint me with your makeup, and all I did was giggle as you layered lipstick on and blended them, your finger smudging against my lips your hand painting my eyes in an array of pastel colours. You never made me wear anything I didn’t want to; instead I let you paint me and watched you laugh when the fake eyelashes confused me so much I walked into a wall. My head rebounding and you floated over to me and softly kissed my forehead with the magic of the wind. Your laugh. It wasn’t like mine, mine was a seals laugh that people stopped and stared at, yours was like the sound of leaves rustling in the wind, of water in a stream and wind in the sky. It was natural. It was beautiful. It was you.

 

Do you remember our first kiss? I was bowling and I was so bad at it, barely knocking five of them over, and you laughed at me, pointing and giggling as every one of those bowling balls went into the sides and rolled away. While you got strike after strike gracefully sliding them down as though the wooden panels spoke to you. “Use the slide thing to help.” So with a grumble I did grabbing the rail and hurtling the bowling ball down it. I pushed it with too much force and my finger got stuck, the bowling ball rolled dragging me down with it and I catapulted over the slide my legs flipping over my head and I landed with a bump on the bowling lane. You sprinted over and I expected you to be giggling but your face was a mask of concern, you stared at me for a few seconds hesitantly leaning forward but I was frozen in your gaze, you leaned forward and pressed your lips against mine so aggressively I nearly fell again. I went dizzy with the feel of you, your button nose getting caught on my sticky out one the smell of lavender “I wash my hair with this lavender spray it’s why it smells so nice.” You told me afterwards but personally I believe that’s just what you always were a flower in a sea of grass. But that happiness only lasted for a moment and then it was over and the disapproving stares were there, some people even made comments about how we were disgusting. After that you held my hand a little tighter and the mask of concern you had that day turned into a mask you wore every day.

 

We had many moments after that one, all hidden away from peering eyes. Never did I realise we were hiding away from everyone. Those moments were perfect, me and you under the stairs at school, lying on each other’s beds, dancing to beautiful songs about girls in love, she was the most beautiful. But those moments were few with your parents battling against us and the world telling us no, no, you’re wrong, no, you started to wear your cap more, chopping your hair short so you looked like a boy so the stares we got were of acceptance not anger. I held on to you when we went our separate ways, tighter each time each of us both breathing in the smell of each other, yet your lavender smell slipped away and you became an alien to me, your aura of nature disappearing hiding under a shell of plastic so you would be like the others. The warmth of our bodies on top each other was the only time you smelt like you and your hair tumbled from the cap it was hidden in, you couldn’t hide yourself from me. Now I realize the plastic front you held was to be normal and each time we grasped each other’s hand and looked to the stars, no matter how natural our love was you feared even the stars would judge us. We were made of those stars, our atoms coming from the same star once upon a time, our love was normal.

 

But after those moments every time we held hands your grip got a little looser and the notes you kept tightly secured in your bag weren’t of love but were of hate and fear. Why didn’t you tell me? I watched as you hid yourself away, till you locked your pixie wings further and further into your body,the magic dissipating in your eyes. Our last kiss was at my doorstop after a night in the forest planting seeds and climbing trees, it was only a quick peck the kind where you don’t think much about it till after. Where that kiss had goodbye in it and I never saw. You were slipping out of my grasp but you wouldn’t tell me why, and then no matter how much I held on.

 

You were gone.

 

“Dear my love

 

Goodbye.

 

Xx”

 

“She accidently fell off the roof” they lied even when I held the proof in my hand a letter of resignation from life warning me you were gone. No reasons why you grabbed that rope and tied your noose so my mind ran a million ways “I love you but they’re right. I love you but I left. I love you but you weren’t enough to keep me alive. I love you but our love was unnatural. I love you but…..” Was what I read at first, anger at your abandonment? I didn’t believe it at all, that you were gone but the trees stopped whistling and the flowers weren’t as bright anymore. How could I argue against the evidence? When even nature felt your loss.And as time went on I realized how right you were. “I love you but I don’t want to live anymore.” The hate we had, the glares, the looks, the judgement. Without knowing any of us they judged, the hate you got off your family, people neither of us knew offering sideways glances at our intertwined hands and no matter how secret our kisses were, they were never secret enough.

 

You died.

 

You left.

 

I lost you.

 

I grabbed a knife that night, pressing in to my wrist but I never pressed it down. You wouldn’t have wanted me dead you said once holding my hand and pressing it to your lips.”We are flower petals off the same flower and when one of us fall the other one will eventually fall at the same spot, we’ll be together forever but you must first live." And I couldn’t disobey you.

 

I mean I’m telling you this now but I don’t know where you are, just a gravestone with your name inscribed and flowers cluttering it. I brought you lavenders and I lay on your grave breathing in the smell of you. You’re seven feet under me and yet you can never be so far away. I want to kiss the stone but it’s cold and hard and you were warm and soft. At least now you are part of the soil you loved so much. I wish you weren’t. This stone is full of lies of how you were loved by your family, loved by everyone when the only person who truly loved you was me. I was banned from your funeral. Did you know that? I was never supposed to be here so I bought as many lavender flowers as I could and they’re everywhere. Overpowering the weaker flower smells from those that call themselves your friends and family. Tonight I’ll lie under the stars with you once again and breathe you in. I hope you’re looking down at me too.

 

Because she means everything to me.


End file.
